What doesn’t make a good profile picture…

:::WARNING::: I’ve been watching a lot of Louis C.K. lately so this is going to be FULL of profanity!

Things that I’m finding confusing and sometimes infuriating about online dating profiles, the first main profile picture in particular:

The one with more than one person in it: Did you not know how to crop a picture? Are you trying to make yourself look better compared to an ugly friend? Maybe trying an opposite tactic and trying to ensare someone by hanging on the coat tails of a better looking friend? Maybe this is a 2 for 1 sort of deal?

The one with you and another girl: Why the fuck would you even think this was a good idea? Do you not have any other picture? Any at all? Are you trying to show that you’re sensitive because you have women friends? Are you testing the waters for a possible menage trios situation?

The one with your shirt off or in bed (double whammy for in your bed with your shirt off): It’s called subtlety, maybe you should look it up. Does this really work? Do girls really look at that shit and think “Hot damn, I would like those kind of  semi-hard muscles to press themselves upon my body”. Look, I get it, you go to the gym a lot, you’re drinking those protein shakes but unless you’re looking like this specimen:

I don’t really want to see it. I mean, Steve Rogers looks like this and he’s not running around with his shirt off unless he has just come out of a fucking chamber after being injected by Howard Stark’s experimental serum. I bet he wouldn’t do that shit unless his shirt was literally disintegrating off his body from an explosion. (Sorry I’m getting stuck in a Captain America thought spiral because I keep looking at that gif). I like to have something left to the imagination.

The blurry picture or worse NO PICTURE: I mean, if you have a computer to sign up on a dating website it’s pretty fucking likely that you have a phone. Of all the people that have mobile phones, I am betting maybe one person. ONE, doesn’t have a camera on it. Of all the people in that subset, that ONE fucking person probably has a friend/relative that has a camera/camera phone. You don’t really have an excuse. You could literally ask a fucking stranger to take a photo of you and email it to you.

All that being said, the online dating is going ok. No true love yet, or even true like for that matter but I’m figuring out how to weed out the fuckwits more quickly.

Ok, cupid.

I signed up on okcupid today. I’ve had multiple lengthy conversations with people on the merits of online dating. I haven’t been meeting that many new people lately so I figure now was as good a time as any to give it a shot. I should say that it’s not like I had some sort of upturned nosed attitude at online dating, I just never felt like I could commit the time in the past or the effort. Meeting new people is an exhausting venture for me and the idea of sifting through hundreds of profiles was not appealing. Also how embarrassing is it to have to market yourself as date able? Buoyed by the positive stories from friends, I decided to forgo my previous hesitations and just give it a shot. I know okcupid in New York is notorious for being a hook up dating site, but I figure I’d try a free thing before I fork over cash on another site. I thought it would be fun to share my little foray into the online dating scene.

Let’s talk about the profile first. I’m a really critical editor/scared-y cat writer, so the task of marketing myself felt cheesy and made me cringe through the entire process. I wouldn’t say I’m exactly comfortable in my own skin. I am kind of a dork about things and try to tamp that down by “playing it cool” which basically amounts to not talking very much until I feel safe with you. Obviously online dating is not set up in this manner. A good profile should be exciting, witty, a bit sexy. For me trying to embody those things in a profile about myself feels like trying to write  advertising copy for beer. I gave myself a couple of hours to finish and once time was up, I posted what I had (internal editor be damned).
Well I’m out there now. I’ve been getting some interesting inquiries. More on that next time…